The Hope

I usually write my blog entries in my mind as I walk between the parking lot and the law school and back again.  But lately, I find that the things that pop into my head are hard to articulate and harder to share.  They span the spectrum from law school to first dates, from ancient history to a far away future.  Gene read my blog recently and left me some phone message about how he was so happy that I was “so happy,” and I thought, “Am I so happy?”  And the truth is that some days, in some moments I am “so happy.”  Other days I am not “so happy.”  Overall, I’m not as happy as I usually find myself to be, but I’ve never been good at admitting that.  The tendrils of my life are frighteningly unraveled and I am having trouble finding (and holding onto) the eternal sense of hope that has guided me through moments so much worse than these.  The energy (and determination) to keep reaching for that elusive hope is at times exhausting.  And really, who wants to read or write about that?