The chapter

I got an email from an editor, wanting my latest draft of a chapter I wrote a lifetime ago.  After slogging through two computers and various files, a few old pictures, some transcripts and various other memory-revealing odds and ends, I found the draft of the chapter.  It began with the following personal vignette:

When I was in sixth grade I “studied” Belgium. It was a long project, one filled with days and weeks of “research” which culminated into a presentation where I wore my hair in braids.  I no longer know the gross national product of Belgium, nor do I remember the main export or import.  What I do remember is that Linda cornered me in the girl’s bathroom and ridiculed my braids.  I also remember that it took me a long time to learn how to deal with Linda in the bathroom, a lot longer than it took me to learn how to look up a fact in an encyclopedia and transfer it into my own words.

I reread the rest of the chapter and thought of peace and power, of perpetrators, bystanders, allies, and targets.  I thought of how that framework seeped through my classroom and into the lives of all of us.  I thought of when I sat in a circle and cried with my class and told them that teaching them to act for social justice had made me ready to do so.  I thought about how each one of them could own their acts as perpetrators even as they strived to be allies.  I thought of disrupting the commonplace.  I thought of acting for social justice.  I thought of interrogating multiple viewpoints. I thought of focusing on socio political viewpoints.  I thought of writing again.  

Today

Today the sun streamed through my windows
and woke me gently from my slumber.
Today the clouds are like a patchwork quilt in the sky.
Today seems like yesterday, only better.  
What will come tomorrow?

The Gmail Ad

Gmail rocks my world. Why was I so reluctant to change? Because everything is archived, all I have to do is remember one distinguishable word from an email, or a person’s name, and I can find anything. I don’t have to remember what folder I put it in or how old the email is. I am so easily pleased! I know it seems silly, but it really has made a difference in my effectiveness at email. Here’s how I use gmail:

1. I forward anything that I want to keep from other email accounts to gmail and then immediately archive them. I know that I can find it again quickly simply by searching (I.E. online game password)


2. As soon as I get emails from friends and whatnot, I keep them in my inbox until I can respond. Each evening, I run down the list and do all the quick responses. Then I archive the email, knowing that it is the other person’s turn.

The Birthday: Part II

The Call Back Drama

I’ve tried to write this thing so many times in the last few days. Have you ever had so many thoughts and ideas that you can’t put them all into words and sentences and paragraphs? The last few days have been filled with soul searching, internal strife, and the self realizations that accompany that. It has been productive, but emotionally draining. Aren’t most growth experiences?

I received two call backs from BIG law firms. One was for a KC office and the other was for a Jeff City office. Instead of feeling thrilled at the opportunities, I found myself sick to my stomach. This illness grew inside of me as I read and learned more about one of the firms in particular. Included in their practice areas are toxic tort (where they defend corporations against individuals who have suffered cancer, immune diseases, cognitive and attention deficits as a result to exposure to PCBs, lead and other toxins) and Labor and Employment (where they not only defend corporations against individuals who bring sexual or race discrimination suits, but also have a specialty in union avoidance programs and union decertification proceedings). And for this experience, I could be paid 10-15 thousand dollars. I’m not going to lie to you. These are the things I have said to myself (and things other people have said to me) to try to convince me to go:

• I can do anything for 10 weeks.


• I will be such a better lawyer for learning how the other side thinks


• I will be sure when I am done of what I don’t want to do


• I can earn enough money this summer to do public interest work next summer


• BIG law firms spend a lot of time and money on pro bono issues


• Once you go to a BIG firm, you can write your own ticket

So a couple of days ago, I decided I would go to the call back. And I let the decision sit for 24 hours. And I felt sick. Yes, I can do anything for 10 weeks. But what do I need from this summer? And that is when I realized that as much as I have loved the intellectual stimulation of law school, I have mourned the loss of the passion that I felt in the classroom. The lost of that passion is eating away at me. And what I need, if I am going to continue in this field of law, is to find that passion again. I don’t have passion for contracts or property. I have passion for children and people in poverty and civil rights and social justice. And if I hope to come back to law school next summer, that is where I need to be.

That said, I finally found the nerve to meet with the career folks today, and laid it all down for them. They were actually very supportive. So here’s where I am on the summer:

1. I have applied for a 4000 dollar stipend to do public interest (children, families, people in poverty) work in St. Louis this summer, which I should hear about any day.


2. I will turn down the BIG law firm (described above) for their call back interview.


3. I am waiting for the other firm to determine whether they have a place for a call back for me in St. Louis (instead of Jeff City), where they actually have a family law division (a compromise I might make for $15,000).


4. If I don’t get the stipend or the other big (this one is actually not BIG) firm position, I will start sending out my resume to firms that handle education law for the St. Louis school district. (Hopefully with my background. . . )

I don’t know who (if anybody) reads this thing anymore, but if this blog is going to mean anything to me, it has to be a place where I can write and think and reflect honestly and openly about what I am going through with this whole law school thing. My concern in writing this is that I know there are people in law school who passionately want these positions. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been given and I completely respect (without judgment) those who want these positions. (How did that sound for a somewhat lawyerly disclaimer?)

As music so often does, the following song has haunted me as I have researched the firm described above:

Labor Day
words & music by John McCutcheon & Si Kahn

In school we learn the well-known names
The ones whose money was their fame
Who ran the railroads, bought the West
Today we mention all the rest
Who blazed the trail that brought us here
Whose family names we'll never hear
Who laid the track and dug the coal
The brain and muscle, heart and soul

Chorus
Labor Day, Labor Day
September or the first of May
To all who work this world we say
Happy Labor Day

The ones who work behind the plow
The ones who stand and will not bow
The ones who care for home and child
The ones who labor meek and mild
The ones who work a thousand ways
That we might celebrate this day
The ones who raise our cities tall
For those who labor, one and all

Chorus

In history books I often find
That children worked in mill and mine
No time to play, to learn, or grow
Just send 'em in or down below
Today too many have forgot
The goals for which our parents fought
When I grow up I hope to be
As strong as those who fought for me

Chorus

The Birthday

I had sixty candles, but she wouldn't let me put them all on.

Happy Birthday Mom!

The Sunday Stream

Sundays continue to be my hard day.  I suspect, in part, because I need to be working on all this school work that I have put off all weekend.  On Monday I soar to class and am usually very up.  Sunday I go to bed early, because I just want the day to end.  I am really torn up about the decisions I will need to make in the next few months about what I want to do with this law career.  A friend told me this evening that his sister went to law school to be a child advocate.  She does real estate law now.  What will I do?  Will it be meaningful?  Will it bring me happiness?  Will it matter?  I’ve been told that by having a high ranking, all options are open to me.  Why do I feel more like as my debt increases, the options I want are withering?  

The Interviews: Day Three

I had three interviews today.  I feel like now I am getting into the groove of this – as it ends.  The first interview today was a total bomb.  He asked me which classes I liked and when I told him property, he honestly said, “Property class sucks, how could you possible like that.  You don’t learn anything.”  Then when I told him how excited I was to be in law school where my brain was being challenged, he said, “Oh that will pass, you will be sick of it soon.”  Next he asked me about myself and what I like to do outside of law school.  After chatting up some hobbies, he asked about sports.  What sports teams do I like?  I didn’t feel like this was something I could fake, because this was honestly something I know nothing about.  NOTHING!  There was a loooooonnnnnnggg silence.  So, that firm’s pretty much out.  

My next interview was with the state public defender.  I thought this interview went really well.  It was the ONLY interview where I left feeling excited about what they were doing.  Gee, that’s a big surprise, I actually would prefer work with a state agency doing real good then at a BIG firm.  I know you are probably as shocked as I am.  Well anyway, one of the interviewers for the state public defender was actually PASSIONATE about what he did.  Their suggestion for me?  Working in the juvenile department.  It sounds fantastic.  It sounds wonderful.  I would be interacting with kids and making a difference.  Downside?  No pay.  Zero.  Nata.  NOTHING.  I want to be able to work for free, but I am already in such debt.  I wish I could figure out a way to swing this.  WHY DO WE PAY THOSE WHO DO THE MOST MEANINGFUL THINGS THE LEAST AMOUNT OF MONEY!!!!!!!???????

So I came out of the public defender interview with an incredible high and soared into my last BIG firm interview.  This interview was actually the best BIG firm interview, mostly because they sent an actual partner to do the interview.  This was the first interview where the questions were creative.  I so value creativity.

In other interview news, three people have already received call backs for the Springfield division of one of the BIG firms.  I sigh in relief that I was not one of them.  Believe it or not, I am actually hopeful not to get a call back, because I fear the seduction of the money may be enough to bend my will.  I can’t tell you how many times over the last three days, I have asked myself “Why am I interviewing?”

The Interviews: Day Two

Today I was actually interviewed by a woman. I asked her about how women are treated in BIG law firms. She said that at her firm there is not difference in treatment. Which she mentioned was both good and bad. It is good because you aren’t kept from doing the work that you want to do. It is bad because there is no consideration of family obligations. Although the firm does have a part time program, nobody has ever tried it. I also received a thank you email from one of the BIG law firms. I guess I better get my thank you cards out and get to work. Tomorrow. After interviewing I made a little jaunt into St. Louis, which was so much fun on so many levels. Now I must sleep and prepare for three interviews tomorrow. . . er. . . later today. . .I will keep you posted.

The Interviews: Day One

Today began the three day process of BIG firm interviews.  Here’s how it works.  Several weeks ago, we were asked if we wanted to apply for summer jobs.  Well, asked, isn’t exactly the right word.  We were encouraged.  It would be such “good interviewing practice.”  Seven BIG firms from Kansas City and St. Louis collect resumes (top 10-25% of the class need only apply), pick eight or nine people to interview and it all gets crammed into three days the I shall now refer to as interview hell.  But, I will be smiling my big smile as I refer to it that way, because I have been smiling non stop through three interviews today.  Here’s the low down on the 1L interview process.  Basically, as I now understand it, three interviews in, there are a bazillion students applying for one to ten jobs.  We are competing with students from much more prestigious law schools (as in Wash U in St. Louis for starters) and all the jobs are for BIG law firms.  Some of which do not even have a family law or education law division.  During those interviews I stared across the table and thought, “Why am I here?”  

So, here’s the lowdown on how the whole job thing seems to work with BIG law firms.  If you get the 1L summer position, it pays big bucks.  (Comparatively to my previous teaching employment, anyway).  At some of these firms you can make between $1000-1600 a week for the summer.  Yes, Virginia, A WEEK!  I checked the figures a few times.  I remember when I was thrilled to get $100 stipend to attend a summer conference.  But let’s not forget that some of these firms only have ONE position for ALL the applicants from EVERYWHERE in the U.S!  I’m not a mathematician, but those ain’t good odds.  Anyway, this is how the BIG law firms, around these parts, hire.  They might bring you on as a 1L, or possibly during your 2L summer and then 90% of those folks are offered a position with the BIG law firm.  That would be about a $100,000 a year position to start.  Downside?  You have to bill approximately 2000 hours a year.  Which works out, with vacations and administrative non-billing hours to be a 70 hour work week.  Ouch.  Then again, how many times did I put in close to 70 hours in the classroom?  Another downside?  You have just sold your soul to a BIG law firm.

I’m not sure where I stand on the BIG law firms yet.  I’m trying to keep an open mind.  There are lots of opportunities to do BIG pro bono work from a BIG law firm.  There are lots of BIG law firms that represent school districts fighting issues of NCLB.  If I wanted to really pursue this fight, it would only happen through a BIG law firm.  One of the BIG law firms is representing parents of special needs children, making sure that they receive services from the state.  Another BIG law firm has a family law division and makes lots of adoptions happen.  Could I pursue making a difference in areas of foster care through this avenue? Am I having the wool pulled over my eyes?

So the interviews went something like this.  First, today there were only male interviewers, which irked me quite a bit.  After handshake and introductions, they asked me three questions.  1.  Tell us about yourself (READ – do you plan to settle in the Midwest?) 2.  Tell us why you left teaching for law school.  AND 3. Tell us about your experience in Africa.  After these questions were out of the way, they gave their “Our BIG law firm is the best BIG law firm and the culture here isn’t like any other BIG law firm and we go out for happy hours and ball games and all hang out together” talk.  It was persuasive.  

The Stuff

Last night we went out for sushi and dancing. I forgot how much I like dancing. I always pretend that I don’t like it, and then I get there and I always have the best time. I never forget how much I like sushi. I also went shopping yesterday and got several new fun going out clothes. And new boots. New black shiny boots. New boots are fun, too.

And then I got a package with the first set of my stuff being returned from Mike. And that was like getting new stuff too. Except it was my stuff and I just haven’t seen it in a month. Like a people magazine from December 19. If anybody wants to borrow it, just let me know. Or a set of holiday bows that cost $2.00. Thank goodness I got those back.

The stuff swap is such a weird thing. For me, it’s about closure. Especially in this case. I left things in Florida, expecting to be back there in two weeks. He had to have a pretty good idea when I left that I wouldn’t be back. But he waited until I was gone to tell me. Now I feel like a part of me can’t keep pushing forward, until I can picture him without memories of me strewn across his apartment. Maybe the bows and the people magazine made him feel that way, too. Or maybe he just thought I was being petty and thought he would make a statement. Or maybe he didn’t think about it all, and just grabbed what looked like mine and threw it in the box. The thing about the end of relationships is that you never really do get to know what the other person is thinking again. And that’s hard for me. Harder than losing what I had with someone is losing who I thought they were. So I sit, surrounded by my bows, rereading about why Brad Pitt is adopting and think about where I am and where I’m going.

I think about law school and my on campus interviews next week. I think about my crash course back into the world of dating. I think about girls night out and new clothes. I think about how much weight I’ve lost this month. I try really hard not to think about Mike and what I thought we had. I think a lot - maybe too much.