The Stuff

Last night we went out for sushi and dancing. I forgot how much I like dancing. I always pretend that I don’t like it, and then I get there and I always have the best time. I never forget how much I like sushi. I also went shopping yesterday and got several new fun going out clothes. And new boots. New black shiny boots. New boots are fun, too.

And then I got a package with the first set of my stuff being returned from Mike. And that was like getting new stuff too. Except it was my stuff and I just haven’t seen it in a month. Like a people magazine from December 19. If anybody wants to borrow it, just let me know. Or a set of holiday bows that cost $2.00. Thank goodness I got those back.

The stuff swap is such a weird thing. For me, it’s about closure. Especially in this case. I left things in Florida, expecting to be back there in two weeks. He had to have a pretty good idea when I left that I wouldn’t be back. But he waited until I was gone to tell me. Now I feel like a part of me can’t keep pushing forward, until I can picture him without memories of me strewn across his apartment. Maybe the bows and the people magazine made him feel that way, too. Or maybe he just thought I was being petty and thought he would make a statement. Or maybe he didn’t think about it all, and just grabbed what looked like mine and threw it in the box. The thing about the end of relationships is that you never really do get to know what the other person is thinking again. And that’s hard for me. Harder than losing what I had with someone is losing who I thought they were. So I sit, surrounded by my bows, rereading about why Brad Pitt is adopting and think about where I am and where I’m going.

I think about law school and my on campus interviews next week. I think about my crash course back into the world of dating. I think about girls night out and new clothes. I think about how much weight I’ve lost this month. I try really hard not to think about Mike and what I thought we had. I think a lot - maybe too much.