The Call Back Drama

I’ve tried to write this thing so many times in the last few days. Have you ever had so many thoughts and ideas that you can’t put them all into words and sentences and paragraphs? The last few days have been filled with soul searching, internal strife, and the self realizations that accompany that. It has been productive, but emotionally draining. Aren’t most growth experiences?

I received two call backs from BIG law firms. One was for a KC office and the other was for a Jeff City office. Instead of feeling thrilled at the opportunities, I found myself sick to my stomach. This illness grew inside of me as I read and learned more about one of the firms in particular. Included in their practice areas are toxic tort (where they defend corporations against individuals who have suffered cancer, immune diseases, cognitive and attention deficits as a result to exposure to PCBs, lead and other toxins) and Labor and Employment (where they not only defend corporations against individuals who bring sexual or race discrimination suits, but also have a specialty in union avoidance programs and union decertification proceedings). And for this experience, I could be paid 10-15 thousand dollars. I’m not going to lie to you. These are the things I have said to myself (and things other people have said to me) to try to convince me to go:

• I can do anything for 10 weeks.


• I will be such a better lawyer for learning how the other side thinks


• I will be sure when I am done of what I don’t want to do


• I can earn enough money this summer to do public interest work next summer


• BIG law firms spend a lot of time and money on pro bono issues


• Once you go to a BIG firm, you can write your own ticket

So a couple of days ago, I decided I would go to the call back. And I let the decision sit for 24 hours. And I felt sick. Yes, I can do anything for 10 weeks. But what do I need from this summer? And that is when I realized that as much as I have loved the intellectual stimulation of law school, I have mourned the loss of the passion that I felt in the classroom. The lost of that passion is eating away at me. And what I need, if I am going to continue in this field of law, is to find that passion again. I don’t have passion for contracts or property. I have passion for children and people in poverty and civil rights and social justice. And if I hope to come back to law school next summer, that is where I need to be.

That said, I finally found the nerve to meet with the career folks today, and laid it all down for them. They were actually very supportive. So here’s where I am on the summer:

1. I have applied for a 4000 dollar stipend to do public interest (children, families, people in poverty) work in St. Louis this summer, which I should hear about any day.


2. I will turn down the BIG law firm (described above) for their call back interview.


3. I am waiting for the other firm to determine whether they have a place for a call back for me in St. Louis (instead of Jeff City), where they actually have a family law division (a compromise I might make for $15,000).


4. If I don’t get the stipend or the other big (this one is actually not BIG) firm position, I will start sending out my resume to firms that handle education law for the St. Louis school district. (Hopefully with my background. . . )

I don’t know who (if anybody) reads this thing anymore, but if this blog is going to mean anything to me, it has to be a place where I can write and think and reflect honestly and openly about what I am going through with this whole law school thing. My concern in writing this is that I know there are people in law school who passionately want these positions. I am grateful for the opportunities that I have been given and I completely respect (without judgment) those who want these positions. (How did that sound for a somewhat lawyerly disclaimer?)

As music so often does, the following song has haunted me as I have researched the firm described above:

Labor Day
words & music by John McCutcheon & Si Kahn

In school we learn the well-known names
The ones whose money was their fame
Who ran the railroads, bought the West
Today we mention all the rest
Who blazed the trail that brought us here
Whose family names we'll never hear
Who laid the track and dug the coal
The brain and muscle, heart and soul

Chorus
Labor Day, Labor Day
September or the first of May
To all who work this world we say
Happy Labor Day

The ones who work behind the plow
The ones who stand and will not bow
The ones who care for home and child
The ones who labor meek and mild
The ones who work a thousand ways
That we might celebrate this day
The ones who raise our cities tall
For those who labor, one and all

Chorus

In history books I often find
That children worked in mill and mine
No time to play, to learn, or grow
Just send 'em in or down below
Today too many have forgot
The goals for which our parents fought
When I grow up I hope to be
As strong as those who fought for me

Chorus